Friday, April 18, 2008

Remember when Republicans hated commies and only bought American?

It's kind of hard to imagine Ronald Reagan sending business to the U.S.S.R.? But maybe he would have if the Soviets had a couple of billion union-free laborers willing to make make American Girl Dolls on the cheap. Of course, if he did, the Soviets probably wouldn't have gone broke and probably wouldn't have collapsed. For some reason it's okay to do business with totalitarian regimes when it keeps the prices lower.

Of course, the U.S.'s current economic problems couldn't have anything to do with the idea that money and jobs are being shipped out of the country, by the barrel loads, to people who don't spend a cent on U.S. products.

It's kind of hard to imagine Teddy Roosevelt selling out Americans, that he had done so much to protect, to nations that don't recognize the basic rights for workers that he had fought to make law.

What happened to old Jack Arnold who lost buddies in the Korean war and would rip a new one to anyone with a touch of red?

What happened to the Republicans?

They still have their American Flags held up high, never mind that made in China sticker stitched in the corner.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Tina Fey - The Sexiest Woman on TV

Okay, after a week where absolutely nothing good happened and I couldn't crack a smile even once, I figure it's a good idea for me to post a tacky, cheesy, worthless, and utterly fun topic. I know that I'm not the only straight male who feels this way; Tina Fey is the hottest woman on TV.

First off, lets break down the stereotypes of what men want in a woman. Most of us plateau on playboy by the time we're thirteen. And while I'm certainly not against big boobs, there's something bizarre when they defy gravity. So we all have our own kinks that get to us. Well, Tina Fey is the ultimate woman and here's why:

Brunette - I don't know who came up with the idea that blondes were sexier, but it's bogus. Darker hair is more exotic, more sophisticated, and makes women more mysterious.

Dark Rimmed Glasses - Come on, you know that it worked for Lisa Loeb. Nerdy glasses make a woman sexier. There is nothing sexier than the sexy nerd, whether it be the librarian, the school teacher, or the executive.

M.I.L.F. - Every schoolboy has the fantasy of the teacher who takes advantage of them. EVERY SINGLE ONE! There's not one guy out there who will deny that without lying. Women between 35 and 45 are the perfect age, supposedly prudish, but a sexpot behind closed doors (or so we'd like to believe).

Smart - Smart girls are more intimidating than dumb girls. They're more interesting, more challenging, and more fun!

Neurotic - This is the Yang to Smart's Yin. Vulnerability is sexy. Women have us by the balls. That doesn't mean they should act entitled. Cockiness is tiring and arrogance is unsatisfying. While Guys like to be challenged they don't want women who are inaccessible. Women who act a little insecure are easier to talk to. They're down to earth. So while we very much do want to "hit that", the complete package is someone you can sit and gab and gab and gab with.

Funny - Seriously, like life is not serious enough! Humor is more laid back, more accessible, and just plain needed for making it through this life.

Creative - The Woman is brilliant! Creative women have more passion and are more interesting.

She's Hot - I mean, come on, duh! She's got a cute face, a hot body. It's not the only thing, but we are men after all.

Now you may wonder why a married man like myself can get away with everything I've written above. The answer to that question is two words.

Ashton Kutcher

So if my wife is reading this and fuming at me, as soon she got to those two words she knew I had her. She's nodding her head "yep". That's right, and it's not just my wife. It's all our wives. Ashton Kutcher has brought out the dog in the women of this world. They just can't help but get all hot and bothered at the mere mention of the guy. And we would be threatened except he's a total himbo. I don't think he's a dumb guy but he has this non-threatening childlike persona. You kind of just want to squeeze his cheek and pat him on the head. Even when you catch him sneaking out of your bedroom in the middle of the day.

So there you have it Hollywood, you heard it here first. If you want the ultimate on screen chemistry, Tina Fey and Ashton Kutcher are your pair. The hot librarian and the boy toy. Now, there's a totally worthless and utterly enjoyable movie concept. Just make sure it's Fey writing the script.